The Importance of Compassionate Communication: Why You Should Avoid Saying “Don’t You Remember?” to Individuals with Dementia or Memory Loss.
By Marcia Norris and L.A. Walker
Communication is fundamental to human interaction, shaping relationships and fostering understanding. However, when engaging with individuals who are living with dementia or memory loss, it is crucial to approach conversations with sensitivity and empathy. One common mistake people often make when communicating with those affected by cognitive decline is using phrases like “Don’t you remember?” or “Don’t you? Remember I told you that.” While these phrases may seem harmless to the speaker, they can profoundly impact the individual’s emotional well-being and sense of self.
Individuals living with dementia or memory loss face daily challenges in navigating their world and maintaining a sense of continuity in their lives. The progressive nature of these conditions can result in memory lapses, confusion, and difficulty recalling recent events or information. When someone says, “Don’t you remember?” to a person with dementia, it can trigger feelings of frustration, embarrassment, and shame. It places undue pressure on the individual to recall information that may be beyond their cognitive abilities, leading to increased stress and anxiety.
Furthermore, phrases like “Don’t you remember?” can inadvertently undermine a person’s sense of self-worth and autonomy. They suggest that the individual’s memory lapses are a failing on their part rather than a symptom of their condition. This can erode their confidence and self-esteem, making them feel inadequate or incompetent in their interactions with others. It is essential to remember that dementia does not define a person’s worth or intelligence, and they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect in all communication.
Instead of focusing on the individual’s memory deficits, it is important to approach conversations with empathy and understanding. Rather than asking, “Don’t you remember?” consider rephrasing your question or statement more supportive and affirmatively. For example, you could say, “I’m here to help if you need any assistance with that,” or “Let me know if you have any questions about what we discussed.” You create a more positive and empowering communication environment by offering reassurance and guidance without placing blame or expectation on the individual’s memory.
If you’ve asked these questions more than once, it’s okay. Relax. You’re navigating the complex maze of dementia care, and it’s all new to you. You have no prior experience to rely on. The demands of dementia care are far from ordinary. You haven’t committed a crime. Compassionate communication also includes the way we talk to ourselves. Be nurturing, forgiving, and understanding with yourself. You’re a human traveling a road full of potholes. No matter how careful you are, you will inevitably hit a few. Don’t exhaust yourself feeling guilty over one missed aspect of dementia care. There are many nuances you will discover.
In conclusion, how we communicate with individuals living with dementia or memory loss profoundly impacts their emotional well-being and sense of self. Avoiding phrases like “Don’t you remember?” is essential for fostering a compassionate and respectful dialogue that honors their dignity and autonomy. Approach conversations with empathy, and remember, it’s also important not to be hard on yourself with thoughts like, “Did I mess up again?”
