Top 10 reasons why I will never win the lottery
By Mike Mankiewicz
Photo by Dylan Nolte on Unsplash
My horoscope specifically warns against financial windfalls.
I’ve already been blessed with exceptional luck in finding misplaced socks.
Winning the jackpot would be too mainstream for someone with my unique taste in life’s experiences.
My support animal told me that those little lottery balls have a personal vendetta against me.
I’ve discovered so many different ways to prepare tuna fish and fried bologna that my taste buds couldn’t handle it.
I’ve been saving all my luck for smaller wins, like finding a parking spot during rush hour or winning an argument with my teenager.
I pick my numbers based on the alignment of toppings on last night’s frozen pizza.
My lucky charm is a black cat standing on a broken mirror underneath a ladder.
Winning would disrupt the delicate balance of chaos and absurdity that defines my life.
I once tried to visualize winning the jackpot and ended up manifesting a lifetime supply of expired coupons.
Mike Mankiewicz worked in radio for 35 years, which is why he is such a smart alec. He loves to make fun of everything, including himself. He will write about why free movies kick booty and why people act so goofy sometimes, and he will always remember that laughter is good for the soul!
